Because you told me to

[Laura]

. Look! I made a dot! (because you told me to do that too!)

[HouseDealer]

haaaaaaa! love it..hang tight if you can.

[Laura]

Like I have something more thrilling and exciting to do? *snicker*

HouseDealer said:

haaaaaaa! love it..hang tight if you can.

[HouseDealer]

3-6-09
i'm using a different deck for you. i think you can relate to it..and if i'm wrong, we'll go with the traditional. unfortunately i can't post pics of this deck, but it's based on the "mirror" concept, like i mentioned earlier.
it's called the Osho Zen Tarot..google it...it's really neato!

this card is called MIND. it represents a court card, the page of swords in the classic rider waite deck.

your mind is feeling scattered.

this is the situation of your head: i see cycle-handles and pedals with strange things that you have gathered from everywhere. such a small head...and no space to live in! and that rubbish goes on moving in your head; your head goes on spinning and weaving--it keeps you occupied. Just think what kind of thoughts go on inside your mind.

one day, just sit, close your doors, and write down for half and hour whatsoever is passing in your mind, and you will understand what i mean and you will be surprised what goes on inside your mind. it remains in the background, it is constantly there (Swords influence, which is your suite), it surrounds you like a cloud. with this cloud you can't know reality; you cannot attain to spiritual perception. this cloud has to be dropped. and it is just with your decisions to drop it that it will disappear. you are clinging to it- the cloud is not interested in you, remember it.

i didn't put the quotes in out of laziness, but this is what the book says.



this is the classic version, to compare. since this is your suit, you may relate this situation to something entirely different. to me, a page, going from a queen, represents mental setback..
and that scares me. maybe you are feeling afraid, like a child that doesn't know exactly what to do with your thoughts, putting it all together?

since it's a court card, it usually represents a person, or the behavior of a person.
i think you are feeling like a scared little girl in some ways. we're going to give you some strength. the card for this week is Death, if i remember correctly. cheers to Death of fears of the future. rebirth!

[Laura]

Remember the *ding* from a long time ago? Let's call this one of those moments. You mentioned writing. I free asssociate like that all the time. I've been writing and writing, and still it all comes back - swirling confusion - a lack of understanding, and an inability to move forward... because I don't know how. I keep asking, but all I receive in return is silence. It's upsetting me. You know how I am with "people" you know I have a gift, but at the moment... all I get is that darn deafening silence. I haven't even been able to meditate lately. I suppose that means I'm supposed to be learning something, but so far the lesson has been lost on me. Blah. I'll just keep trying to muddle my way through, the best I can :) I'm all for rebirth!

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[HouseDealer]

i usually draw the cards really early in the morning..like around 5.

i'm glad that gave you a ding moment.

i can't wait to see how this all plays out for you. i just know this is going to at least make you stronger in your perceptions, if nothing else. ..but i believe it'll help beyond that. it'll give you a strong understanding of yourself, as well as your relationship to Creator.

as the cards shuffle, this represents life's circumstances. every day, we can relate a card to a situation. if you were sitting right beside me, and i laid all the cards out in order, you would easily be able to choose, just by looking at the picture, how you're feeling..etc.

after a few weeks we should get a very clear understanding.
holding your hand all the way!

[HouseDealer]

3-7-09

ok, gotta get my Osho Zen deck. for the week for everyone, i've been using The Spiral tarot, but you're a special case.
: )

IX Aloneness. this, in the Rider Waite deck which is most popular, is IX. The Hermit.

i want to see what the book says about it, being that this is from the Zen perspective. i may as well type while i read:

when you are alone, you are not alone; are are simply lonely--and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. when you are lonely you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. loneliness is a negative state. you are feeling that it would have been better if the other was there--your friend, your wife, your mother, your beloved, your husband. it would have been good if the other was there, but the other is not.
Loneliness is absence of the other. aloneness is the presence of oneself. aloneness is very postive. It is a presence, overflowing experience. you are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody.


hmmm i like that slant on the hermit.
you can go to my page and FF through the pics (photobucket isn't working) and find IX. The Hermit to compare if you wish. i relate it to introspection, just in a word. in one word...but the words in the book are a nice slant to the same concept. i like it.

did something go Ding?

[Laura]

Yup. I sat in the bathtub last night (water seems to be a nice conductor) and I thought - I am always alone. I'm not alone in the "by myself sense." I know that I am NEVER alone because I am aware that although they are silent, the ones who watch over me are always with me. I was a little angry that they wouldn't just throw me a bone and point me in the right direction or SOMETHING, but the crux of the whole entire thing is that "other" that you mentioned.
He's gone, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to know answers - I stopped asking for those a long time ago... I have no idea how to explain this, but I don't no know to move - forward, or anywhere. It's that cloud you mentioned yesterday - the two go together because I cannot find my way through any of this. It's over - so it appears at the moment, and I cannot see ANY way around any of it. My lonliness feels so overwhelmingly large that I do not feel like myself anymore. The presense of my aloneness being large... that was true once... now I'm just TRAPPED in this damn cloud and I have no idea how to move away from it. I don't seem capable of anything but standing still. Even when I try to make new male friends - they leave. The ones I have had for years... have left. In my meditations, nothing but silence. There's just... nothing, and I have no idea what to do to fix it.
You KNOW how much I hate sounding like a whiney, but I'm feeling the need, in this place, to be honest.. with myself and whoever reads this, so there you go. I'll just be a damn whiney :)

[HouseDealer]

you're going to move forward. you're not stuck.
it really stinks to feel like you are, or to be temporarily stuck. you know about my situation. i'm stuck.
i understand.

tomorrow is a new day, and a new week! just keep moving forward..one day at a time, a week at a time.

[HouseDealer]

3-8-09


XIII. Transformation (..or in the Rider-Waite versions, Death)

i've been saying for a long time that i think Death should be called Transformation, and lookie! i found the deck that best reflects that.

"A master in Zen is not simply a teacher. In all the religions there are only teachers. They teach you about subjects which you don't know, and they ask you to believe, because there is no way to bring those experiences into objective reality. Neither has the teacher known them - he has believed them; he transfers his belief to somebody else. Zen is not a believer's world. It is not for the faithful ones, it is for those daring souls who can drop all belief, unbelief, doubt, reason, mind, and simply enter into their pure existence without boundaries. But it brings a tremendous transformation. Hence, let me say that while others are involved in philosophies, Zen is involved in metamorphosis, in a transformation. It is authentic alchemy: it changes you from base metal into gold. But its language has to be understood, not with your reasoning and intellectual mind but with your loving heart. Or even just listening, not bothering whether it is true or not. And a moment comes suddenly that you see it, which has been eluding you your whole life. Suddenly, what Gautam Buddha called 'eighty-four thousand doors' open."
-Osho Zen Tarot

this is a major arcana card..again, it will stay with you until the next major arcana card comes around. the minor arcana cards and the court cards bring details and more awareness to this overall situation.

with love, always!

[HouseDealer]

look at the pattern, already. your first reading was page of swords..you learning your element.

look at the patterns. i can't wait to do more!

[Laura]

Laura said:

You'll have to explain the pattern thing to me - you know I'm a little braind dead these days.
I like this deck - I feel like I AM looking into a mirror, and by doing so am learning about, or having things validated that i think about myself. Maybe it's helping to clear away some of the fog. Yesterday, I went to church and the priest said something like - we all have mountains to climb, they might be emotional , finanacial, etc... and I was thinking - Yup, that's me! Then he said, and we might not know how to climb them (or something like that), or the questions to ask. And again I thought, yup, that's me!! He said, what we need to do is just have faith.
That sounded good to me, and it made sense, so I think I will try to sit still, to just BE, try my best to remove myself emotionally from the chaos that surrounds me, stop asking questions, trying to fight my way out of it, fight my way through it, finght my way to answers, and just have faith that when the time is right - the clouds with disappear and things will be right again.

What I was thinking throughout all of that typing but didn't mention was this "with your loving heart. Or even just listening, not bothering whether it is true or not."
It is my heart that is involved in the chaos, and my mind that is trying to decifer what is true and what is not. In my meditations, the people I see - I do not know who to trust. In my visions - the things I see I do not know which to believe. If I just sit, If I can be still, and just BE, minus the struggle between the heart and the mind. If I can find a way to do that, and combine it with the faith that somehow, someway (that is NOT clear to me AT ALL, but doesn't really NEED to be) them maybe, when the clouds clear, I'll be ok again. The struggle between the heart and the mind, the search for truth is what is draining me.

And the random rambles seem to have lead me to yet another *ding*

[HouseDealer]

i love what the priest said to you. that's excellent wisdom!
i'm also glad you had another ding moment. i'm just going to have to start calling you dingy, or my ding-dong. hey, that's better. my dingdong!

anyway i read, i listen, and sometimes i just don't know what to say, but i understand what you're saying.
you have a way of leaving me tongue tied!

as for the patterns i've seen, you began as a young one in your suit, page of swords. see..i can't go back...i have to open a new window.

that was the beginning of the "story," and you'll find that it is a story that can be read from beginning to end. the second day you got the hermit. you now have a way to organize your thoughts, and are proceeding to the inner reflection to think..to figure things out. that's what a sword-minded person does. they think a lot!
going within to consider this, to think about that, but especially to open yourself up...
the third day you got Death. (i'm going by the rider-waite rather than the osho zen to put this together because you can look them up easily). Death of old ways. new beginnings. Transformation. you're ready. you've thought things out and you've come up with some realizations. the fourth day you got ....oh, the fourth day is tomorrow.

this is the pattern i see. you might see something else though. i wonder what you see?